Funny Real Estate Terms

Sometimes real estate agents have to get creative with the adjectives they use to describe properties. The terms can sometimes be misleading as some less than positive features are made out to be more desirable. Below is a list of funny real estate terms with a translation of what the adjective really means! This list was taken from Loren Keim’s book – “Life Lessons…From the Back Seat of My Car.”

• Cozy – One of my favorite terms.  It means the home is too small for human habitation.  Remember the 19th Century when a family of six could live in a single room home?  This is the home for them.
• Intimate – The only home smaller than ‘cozy.’  These homes are perfect if you’re roughly the size of a garden gnome.
• Charming – If you’re used to living without indoor plumbing, this home is perfect for you.  It comes complete with old woodwork, wide molding, and kitchen cabinets that date before the Great Depression.  The cobwebs are an added bonus.
• Conveniently Located – It is located at a busy intersection, where the traffic noise is so heavy, you’ll have to sleep with ear plugs. 
• Easy Highway Access – This is actually worse than “Conveniently Located”.  Here you’ll have to sleep with pillows duct taped to your head.
• Country Living – We hope you like spending a lot of time driving because this home is located so far from civilization that you may have to raise your own animals in order to survive.
• City Living– Lock the doors with all three deadbolts because it’s not safe to go outside.
• Needs Some TLC – Beware.  You might fall through the floor.
• Water View – If you stand on a ladder in the corner bedroom of the second floor and lean out the window, you might be able to see it.
• Water Front – Located in a flood zone.
• Not a Drive-By – Because the exterior is so hideous, you’re likely to drive by without stopping.  You might even look over your shoulder to see if condemned signs have been placed in the yard yet.
• Must See The Inside – This is a variation of “Not a Drive-By.” The outside looks like it’s been decorated for Halloween, but it’s currently March.  The Addams Family actually turned this home down.
• Handyman Special – So special that not even the walls are solid.  The home is probably ready to collapse.
• Unique – This home is so unique that it will only appeal to a small percentage of the population.  In fact, the number of buyers who would appreciate the architecture is so small that we’re still hoping some weird person from southern California takes a job relocation and moves to the area.
• Easy to Show – The prior owners vacated the home as soon as they heard the gunfire down the street.  The doors don’t shut properly, so pretty much anyone can go in anytime they’d like.
• Only One Owner – And he didn’t make an update since the day he built the home forty-seven years ago.
• Freshly Painted – With a single coat of cheap paint.
• Cul-de-sac Living – A fancy way to say you’ll be living at a ‘dead-end.’
• Friendly Neighborhood – In fact, several busy bodies will watch your every move and the creepy guy across the street has a telescope trained on this home at all times.